Love Matters

David Benner in Surrender to Love says “the deepest ache of the soul is the spiritual longing for connection and belonging. No one was created for isolation.” He then says we attempt to compensate for our isolation through “people, possessions, and accomplishments.” That is, we attempt to soothe the pain of separation with the balm of earned recognition from what others think of us, from what we have, and from what we do. This never fully satisfies the ache because it does not address the fundamental problem of feeling separated and alone.

How many of us believe this is our problem? Do you feel isolated or do you know in your heart that you are loved, valued, and cherished? That you are or have been the recipient of another’s time, attention, and concern where you are more important to them than they are to themselves? This is the cure for the ache of isolation. It is love.

If the answer to that question is “no” or “I don’t know” then you probably question the power of love in your life. You experience a restlessness and agitation that might not always be visible but runs in the background like a computer virus gumming up the works and slowing down the system. Dr. Benner asserts that “to be human is to have been designed for intimate relationship with the Divine”. I believe he would also agree that to be human is to have been designed for intimate relationship with one another. That is, there are two great love relationships we must fully experience to be as we are designed to be; the love of our creator and the love of one another. The great commandments of the scriptures are to love God with all of your self and to love one another as your self. This is the dynamic of the cross, vertical relationship with God and horizontal relationship with one another. If the death and resurrection of Jesus are true, then this dynamic dance is foundational to who we are. If we are not participating in both movements of this great dance of love we are going to experience that virus of never being fully comfortable in our own skin.

One of the paradoxes of love is that you cannot fully love another without being fully loved yourself. One might think that would encourage a focus on self, but the paradox is that we only become truly unselfish when we have been totally and unconditionally loved. 1 John 4:19 says we love because He first loved us. Because we have been loved, because we know the reality and power of love in our life, we are able to love ourselves and others. It is when we have not experienced the wonderful and joyous presence of love that we become consumed with a self trying to find satisfaction and contentment in a disconnected world. The first order of business then is to be loved. But of course that is not up to us and that is where we become trapped in the striving to earn love. We know we need it, we have not experienced it, our soul aches for it, so we push to find it.

There is another verse in 1 John 4 that is rather startling and illuminating. Verse 10 says “This is love: not that we love God but that He loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.” It is not about what we do, it is about the love God has for us. We are all so driven by the failures of love in our life that we have great difficulty wrapping our souls around the fact that God loves us. This is the nature of love, this is the nature of God, to love us; He cannot not love us. We are loved and once we fully wake up to this fact life becomes a lot easier and simpler; the only thing that really matters is love.

Are you standing in the ballroom watching others dance, maybe resenting the joy on their faces? Do you believe that the dance of love does not include you? This is the ache of your soul yearning for connection and belonging. Listen to it as an invitation to the dance. We all have the same need and you will be welcomed. God loves you.

 

Easter Reflection

Easter is the most important, significant, and meaningful remembrance of Jesus. And yet it receives much less publicity and celebration than Christmas. This might be because generally it is much easier for us to become excited and celebrate a baby’s birth than a man’s murder. The birth of a baby is also common to human experience; crucifixion thankfully is not. People can get excited about buying gifts for each other and our economy has grown dependent on the spending that goes on during the Christmas season. There are lots of reasons that Christmas gets more press than Easter, not the least of these is getting our arms around Jesus’ resurrection from the dead. And yet Easter is the religious ceremony of the Christian faith. As Paul suggests, without Easter, we have no Christian faith.

Easter helps us remember and celebrate the greatest expression of God’s love. I cannot do justice to such a subject in such a short space, but we cannot separate Jesus’ resurrection from his crucifixion. His death and rising are the heart of the Christian experience. One deals with sin and the other with a new order of creation. Dr. Robert Mulholland, a New Testament scholar at Asbury Theological Seminary, calls it “God’s cruciform love”. Simply, God’s being cannot do anything else but crucify himself on our behalf so that we might participate in His nature. In other words, God created us to be with Him so He removes what separates us from Him.

In my last blog, I quoted Thomas Merton that at its root sin is a failure to love. God never sins and always loves; it is who He is. In another blog, I quoted Henri Nouwen that love means “intimacy, closeness, mutual vulnerability and a deep sense of safety”. While there is a tremendous amount that can be said about what love is, this definition captures the relational aspect of love. Easter reminds us that God has made an open door to participate in His love. He has made it possible for us to be intimate, close, vulnerable and safe with Him and therefore with each other. Easter affirms that God is love and that His love is the greatest force imaginable that it raises the dead. His love gives new life where there is no life.

Please consider where in your life there is deadness or failure to demonstrate love. Who are you struggling to love? Does your marriage feel dead? Does fear dominate your relationships and your life? Do others feel unsafe with you? Do you believe that you don’t need others? Do you think that you have to live life manipulating and maneuvering to get what you need? All of these are failures to love; please consider that God gives new life where there is none. Easter reminds us that nothing is hopeless, nothing is dead forever. Celebrate Easter in your life!

Dramatic Improvement

I visited my website recently and was struck by the word transform. I was impressed by this because I know I do not have the power to transform anything. I hope I have not given the wrong impression and promise something that I cannot deliver. There is change in many of the people I work with in counseling. There sometimes is transformation, which means to “change something dramatically, especially improving…” Often there is not dramatic change but improvement. But I am confident that seeds are planted that may lead to transformation, that is to dramatic improvement.

Transform can also mean “to change completely for the better”. Complete change, dramatic change, this is describing change that is obvious. These are powerful statements of what many people hunger for; it is something you and someone else can notice like when the stock market increases by three or four hundred points in one day or you lose 30 or 50 lbs and the change is obvious, and better. You don’t look like the same person. You are dramatically and completely different, in a better way.

Have you had an experience of transformation in your life? Have there been occasions or experiences of your life becoming completely different and better? As I look back over my life I see profound and dramatic change that warrants use of the word transformed. I am completely and dramatically different and better from the person I used to be. An important variable is “as I look back”. Becoming a transformed person is not like the stock market where dramatic change happens in a day or even a few hours. Becoming a transformed person is a process or journey with dramatic or meaningful occurrences along the way that have a cumulative, life changing effect over time.

Transformation is possible. What experiences have you had that have contributed to your transformation? Who were the significant people involved? How have you dramatically or completely improved?

Emotionally Hijacked

Do you wonder how all of sudden you are in an argument that you did not see coming? You are upset and agitated before you know it and embroiled in a disagreeable disagreement with someone you love. Literally, you can be having a casual conversation and within milliseconds you’re in emotional turmoil. To borrow a phrase from Dr. Sharon May, you have been hijacked by your emotional brain. This happens when you perceive a particular situation to be threatening or stressful and your emotional brain kicks in gear taking out your prefrontal cortex or thinking brain. We are created to react rapidly when confronted with threatening situations and thinking slows our reaction time down.

This works great when you are confronted with a real physical threat and you either run (flee), attack (fight), or stand like a doe in headlights (freeze). You are dealing with danger in an adaptive, life preserving manner. The challenge for our relationships is we also react this way when we are confronted by what we perceive as emotional threats, and that is a different flavor for each one of us. Dr. Joseph Le Doux from the Center for Neural Science at New York University has mapped out what parts of the brain are affected by information coming in from our senses and obviously how we perceive what we are taking in is critical to which “brain” reacts, our “thinking/reflecting” brain or our “emotional/reacting ” brain.

We are in an argument before we know it, and depending on how each of us responds determines how long or intense the argument is. We are all different, with different histories and temperaments that affect how we react. For those of us who are “quick responders” we need to learn how to slow our system down and engage our thinking brain. We can escalate a disagreement to proportions not expected and the argument quickly becomes something no one wants.

Interestingly, even the “slow responders” who remain calm on the outside are reacting exactly the same way on the inside by either freezing or fleeing. These folks are the ones that shut down and withdraw during conflict. The important point is that while they may seem reasonable and in control, their thinking/reflecting brains are not engaged so problem solving and compromise cannot occur.

For either type of “responder” the situation and person are not safe so self preservation not communication and reconciliation is the rule of the day. It is only when our thinking/reflecting brains are processing information that we can work through our differences. We must work to make one another feel safe; then we can connect and communicate.

Pay attention to what trips your trigger and how you react. Learn to distinguish between your emotional responses and your more calm thoughtful ones. Allow each other to come back to level before reengaging and trust that your loved one is not the enemy.

 

Warriors and Lovers

Men and women are different. Anyone who has been in a heterogeneous relationship knows this. In fact, the word heterogeneous means exactly this; “consisting of parts or aspects that are unrelated or unlike each other.” No wonder marriage can be so difficult! The way a man and woman argue is one specific way that we are different. Dr. John Gottman, a marital researcher has documented the different physiological reactions of men and women during an argument. Because our marriage, and any other significant relationships where there is an emotional bond or attachment, is critically important to our well being our stress response is triggered when the relationship is threatened. And men and women respond to this threat in radically different ways.

Dr. Gottman found that most men, in the midst of an argument where they are feeling pursued and attacked, or cornered, react as though their wife is a real physical threat. We men tend to gear up to physically defend ourselves like we would if we had to battle a lion or a warrior. Due to higher levels of testosterone, men’s physiological arousal is one of heightened vigilance, increased heart rate and blood pressure. We are physically ready for war. Not exactly conducive for resolving an emotional conflict; we are not looking for a hug and an “I’m sorry honey, I really didn’t mean that”! At the moment, and for a significant period of time thereafter, men are not physically able to respond in an emotionally connective way.

Amazingly, our heterogeneous other is able to do that. Women have higher levels of the hormone oxytocin, the bonding hormone. When experiencing similar relational stress, women are more inclined to socialize and nurture, not fight. Their natural tendency is to want to connect and give care so they pursue and persist. In the midst of an emotional conflict woman are wired with a greater ability to calm themselves. Men, on the other hand, take longer to settle down and usually need separation and space to do that.

If your spouse, most likely your husband, responds to emotional stress like a lion is about to devour him, then give him time and space to settle down. There is a critical condition to allowing this disengagement; there must be agreement to return and engage at a later time. Many couples will simply remove themselves and ignore what went on because experience tells them the same cycle will repeat. This is disastrous for the long term health of your relationship and you must develop the skills and resources to comfort and connect in the midst of conflict. Appreciating the different ways men and women are created can make a huge difference in accomplishing that.