Make Marriage Work

It can be said very simply and forcibly that many marriages and maybe even marriage as a societal institution is in trouble. In fact, if things continue along the path of more and more couples deciding that getting married is unnecessary the moral and legal authority that marriage has in society might just disappear. The statistics are alarming and for divorce rates they have been alarming for some time. The fifty percent divorce rate has remained fairly constant for some time and it really doesn’t seem to matter how much money you have, what god you worship, or your social standing. I suspect that if you asked how many couples were happy or content together, that number would be alarmingly low. They either have not yet decided to separate or have decided to stay together for some other reason. We just are not doing a good job as a society and culture with making marriage work.

This is not news. And many people and organizations have tried to turn the tide. There are organizations with names like “Saving Marriage”, or the “Marriage Initiative”, even welfare laws have been structured to try and encourage marriage. And most every religious faith, and certainly the Judeo-Christian heritages celebrate marriage as central to their life of faith and make every effort to keep couples together. And yet most initiatives, including marriage counseling have a dismal record of preventing divorce and improving struggling couple’s chances of staying together.

There is one notable exception, at least in the field of marriage counseling. With over 15 years of research Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) has a 70-75% (and a few have 80-85%) success rate of helping unhappy marriages. It also reports that 90% of couples treated report significant improvement. This is great news and I have seen the results in my own experience of counseling couples with EFT. It is truly amazing how effective it can be. Couples have stated they had very little hope of making their marriage work and have been overwhelmed with gratitude when it did after counseling sessions based on the EFT method.

I have learned how to practice EFT from Dr. Sharon May Morris. She is a follower of Jesus Christ and a master EFT therapist. She has written two books on EFT, the most recent is How to Argue so Your Spouse Will Listen. She has worked with several churches in California, including David Jeremiah’s church Shadow Mountain Community Church helping to implement mentoring and counseling programs based on EFT with great results. I am hoping that a coalition of churches and organizations in the Lexington area will help bring Sharon to Lexington for three days to help our local efforts. Centenary United Methodist and Crossroads Christian Church have committed to help. Please consider joining the effort to make marriage work.

In one of his newsletters Francis Frangipane made this statement: “We believe that the key to healing society is found in restoring marriage to its greatest goal as proclaimed by God in the book of Genesis. What is that goal? The Lord said, “Let Us make man in Our image, according to Our likeness . . . And God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them” (Gen 1:26-27).

Man and woman, married, united, in the image of God. If we restore this, we will restore our society one family at a time.”

We can restore our society one family at a time if we make marriage work.

Christmas Gift

One of the great qualities of Christmas is the time it affords family to be together. If you happen to have a family that enjoys being together, it really is a wonderful time of year. Christmas is also about the Christ. It is a comment on our culture that we even have to mention that He is the focus of the season. I remember that my childhood family seemed to focus on the gift giving celebration part of Christmas, not the Christ giving. But then maybe that was just me. I liked the gift giving part and really struggled with the Christmas Eve service candle wax dripping necktie tight pants itchy feet sweating staying in my seat listening to boring service part.

It was really difficult for me to believe anything other than we were just putting in time before the good stuff; me getting my stuff. Christmas was not about Him, it was about Me! Oh what a joy to get what you wanted! And most of my life has been about getting what I want until what I want became incredibly destructive to myself and others. That is when I woke up or more accurately desperately began hoping that there was something else beside satisfying insatiable appetites and desires.

Did my problem begin because Christmas is too secular, too focused on buying and getting and not focused on Jesus? Well, I do not know about you, but my problem with appetite and desire run amuck is a lot more complicated than reminding everyone that “Jesus is the Reason for the Season”! I know there are people who are very disciplined and able to manage their appetites and personal desires in order to achieve larger goals. It does not follow that they are any more satiated, that their desires and hungers have been completely satisfied. It just might mean that their temperament is more suited to delaying gratification.

There is a long held notion in psychology that we all have different temperaments that come with the package, so to speak. Our particular temperament has to do with a prevailing mood, emotional disposition and emotional intensity. While there are different classifications, most agree that there are four basic types. The original typology of temperament was developed by Galen around 200 B.C. I am most likely a choleric, quick to react and hot tempered. My wife, Carolyn is more sanguine, warm and pleasant. A phlegmatic tends toward being slow moving and apathetic and the melancholic struggles with sadness and depression. I think most of us can figure out our basic temperament and what our particular prevailing emotional state is. If you can’t figure it out, ask someone close to you. They will definitely know!

So what does this have to do with Christmas! Well, God sent His only Son that we might have eternal life and He did that because He loves us. God gave us his Son as our gift. That is what we celebrate on His birthday; His gift to us. Our desires and appetites drive us to focus on what we can get, even if we do it in a disciplined or friendly manner. How many of us focus on what we can give? My wife might be more warm and fuzzy and I am definitely pricklier but does that mean she is more likely to give of herself? Maybe she is just more pleasantly selfish.

I still have trouble sitting in church on Christmas Eve. My hot, quick tempered nature will probably not disappear until Jesus returns and I get my new body. My appetites and desires are still there, maybe not as forceful or persistent, but they are still there. One thing that is different is that I know I need to give, like God gave me His Son. It is the only thing that really helps satisfy. By the way, my wife is pleasant, and very giving.

This Christmas give yourself as a gift to someone else.

Merry Christmas!

Thanksgiving Gratitude

 
 

What does it mean to be thankful? Why should we be thankful? What do we have to be thankful for?

 
 

Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks, to express gratitude for the many blessings in our life. During our Thanksgiving meal my family takes time to talk about what we are thankful for and we usually do not allow the perfunctory expressions of thankfulness for friends and family unless you can back it up with specific examples. Just saying “I am thankful for my family or my friends…” is not good enough. You have to be able to describe what about your family or friends make you feel grateful. What we are looking for is an understanding of what it means to be thankful and grateful. It is usually more difficult to express with specificity our gratitude.

 
 

 

<http://www.gratitudeglass.info/index.htm

It starts with Christ (from the center out).

 
 

Through Christ we learn how to live life to its fullest and be grateful for all that God has blessed us with.

The spiral represents the universe

(all that is, all that ever was, and all that will ever be)

In this spells God for He created the universe and everything in it.

At the end of the spiral is the Dove in flight that is the spirit of God who is in all of His children.

 
 

Colossians 2:6-7

 
 

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In 1863 Abraham Lincoln made the following proclamation: “It has seemed to me fit and proper that [the gifts of God] should be solemnly, reverently, and gratefully acknowledged with one heart and one voice by the whole American people. I do, therefore, invite my fellow citizens . . . to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next as a day of thanksgiving and praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the heavens.”

 
 

So what does it mean to be thankful, to have a spirit of gratitude?

 
 

Why is it so hard to specify our thankfulness? Is it because we lack humility?

 
 

In daily life we must see that it is not happiness that makes us grateful,

but gratefulness that makes us happy.

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G.K. Chesterton said “It is always the secure who are humble.” I think it also fits to add “and the grateful.”

 
 

We offer thanksgiving and express gratitude because of our experience of grace, unmerited favor that blesses us with things we have not earned but have been given as expressions of love.

 

What are your experiences of grace and expressions of gratitude? Be thankful.

Love’s Paradox

We do not usually talk about our failure in a public forum. This is especially poignant during a presidential campaign where the only failure talked about is the opponent’s. Failure is understood to mean when something falls short of what is required or expected; it is unsuccessful, the desired goal is not achieved. There is something negative about failure and yet conventional wisdom of successful people is that they often learn more from their failures than their successes. I wish the political process would allow for that but in America it is all about being right and winning. American culture does not tolerate failure very well.

I am in a business where what we do, therapy, often fails; at least in the short term it appears to be a failure. This week I have seen two marriages fall apart, one that is farther down the road of divorce and one that is dangerously tittering on the precipice of divorce. One might be salvaged; one most likely will not be salvaged. So what have I learned from my mistakes, from failure? What can I take away from this that will make therapy more successful next time?

I think I am asking the wrong question and looking at this failure the wrong way. Yes, I expect to help every marriage that walks in my door. I expect success because I am trained and I have seen much success before with couples. I am trained and learning more about EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) which has a great research track record of significantly improving marriages 75-80% of the time. But what makes the difference? Why do some respond and others do not?

I wrote to one of the spouses who do not want to end their marriage that without vulnerability love does not happen; it cannot thrive. It is choked off in self protective armor that stifles and restricts and bounces back every attempt of love’s embrace. What in the world would make someone reject love? Why would anyone do that!? Because what is offered is not perceived by the receiver as love; the source of love is seen as anything but loving. They are afraid, for whatever reason(s) to be vulnerable.

I am grieved by these couples’ pain. I hate that our efforts ended in a lack of success; that love did not win the day but disappointment and rejection did. I don’t know if there is anything more painful than a failed relationship except that it is tempered by the hope of finding love somewhere down the road. We are usually eternal optimists when it comes to love. In fact, many relationships end precisely because someone decides they can find love with someone else. But in divorce someone has decided that love does not happen for them in this relationship. How sad and painful is that.

I want to be honest about my failure to help and to love. It does no good to pretend we have all the answers or pretend that we will not fail. In fact, if conventional wisdom is true, failure is necessary but this conventional wisdom is only true if we do not quit trying. We are meant to love. It is what we are designed to do. We are lovers, and love is most fully realized in a monogamous relationship. It cannot be found in a series of relationships because serial relationships do not require commitment and thus avoid vulnerability. If I am never safe enough to risk being hurt, that is be open to being misunderstood, not valued, or accepted then I can never know love. This is the paradox of love; it can only happen when we are open to its failure. For us to know love, to experience love in our life we must be willing to suffer the pain of rejection, the disappointment of being misunderstood, and still hold out hope that love, in the long run, will not disappoint.

The Scaffold of Relationship

Preparing for a seminar on “How to Connect in the Middle of a Fight”, I have been considering a couple of movies that might have good examples of Attachment issues. I am looking for brief segments that capture the essence of the movement of our attachment dance. Sometimes it is much easier to see the dance of relationship than it is to listen to someone describe it. Two movies came to mind, The Story of Us and Kramer vs. Kramer, both movies about a couple struggling with their marriage and the effect it has on their family. In Kramer vs. Kramer there is a wonderful presentation of a father and son bonding after the wife and mother leave. You can see the movement of an unattached and emotionally clueless husband and father learning to connect with his son who has been abandoned by his mother, and come to terms with his role in losing his wife. (If you are offended by a few expletives or nudity do not watch either movie but I hope you do watch them.)

Sue Johnson, in her book Hold Me Tight makes a compelling point that attachment needs are “absolute”, meaning fundamental to who we are and how we are designed. That is, our hardware won’t operate to its full potential, and is often damaged, without the software system of human bonding. “Attachment is the bottom line, the scaffold on which other elements (of a relationship like sex, caretaking, play, work, etc.) are built. Without secure, safe and bonded relationships, especially during childhood, but also in adulthood, we will not have fully satisfying personal relationships or develop into fully functioning human beings.

Dustin Hoffman, the father in Kramer vs. Kramer makes the journey with his son that Dr. Sue Johnson describes as necessary for creating such relationships: “To achieve a lasting loving bond, we have to be able to tune in to our deepest needs and longings and translate them into clear signals that help our lovers respond to us. We have to be able to accept love and to reciprocate. Above all, we have to recognize and accept the primal code of attachment rather than attempting to dismiss and bypass it. In many love relationships, attachment needs and fears are hidden agendas, directing the action but never being acknowledged. It is time to acknowledge these agendas so that we can actively shape the love we so badly need. ”

Like many of us, Dustin Hoffman’s character has very little idea of his significant longings and needs but when thrust into caring for his son he chooses to care. He accepts “the primal code of attachment” and does not dismiss or run from it. Refusing to abandon his son, he learns what love is and how to love. There is a remarkable scene where his son falls off a jungle gym and busts his face. His father was attuned to the danger, tried to prevent it and then runs with his son in his arms to the emergency room, refusing to leave him during his treatment. Contrast these scenes with earlier ones of his hapless attempts to care for his son. He becomes a likable, compassionate human being who is there for his son. It is a journey and transformation we all must make to become fully human.

Many of us, particularly men, might question Mr. Kramer’s manhood or challenge how important all this really is. His boss certainly does. He is an example of dismissing the basic need of relationship; he is attached to his career. Learning to acknowledge our attachment needs and fears in an open and responsive manner is not emotional sentimentalism. It is rather recognizing that we need the basic scaffold in place in order to build an enduring structure. Without the basic structure of knowing ourselves and facing our fears, being able to communicate and ask for what we need, and being vulnerable enough to receive what we need, we will continue to experience disappointment and failure in our intimate and meaningful relationships. In other words, we will continue to experience disappointment and dissatisfaction with life.

There are many examples that I can give of when I “dismissed and bypassed” my basic need for close, safe, and bonded relationship. I put many other things first, like success, career, sensual enjoyment, demanding my own way, or preferring to be alone. Like Mr. Kramer, my children have taught me to pay attention to building the scaffold of relationship for enduring and rewarding attachments. There is nothing more enduring, more powerful, than an attached relationship. It is something that we all hunger for and what we commonly name love. Do you know your hunger or do you dismiss or deny it?

Sharing our Insides

For the next few days I encourage you to pay attention to what you say and how you treat those you most care about. Listen to the words you use and how you say and use them. Pay attention to the emotional state or feeling behind your words and actions. Are you feeling irritated or angry? Maybe you feel lonely or disconnected like nothing much matters. Perhaps you are joyful or light hearted and you feel like nothing could change this good mood. Or maybe you are feeling bored. There is so much more in how we communicate than necessarily what we communicate.

When something is bothering you it is very difficult to shake the bother out. It sticks with you unless you just deny what bothers you and act like it doesn’t matter. Attempting to identify and sift out emotional responses can be very difficult for some. For others it comes easily and they know exactly how they are feeling and are able to identify the feeling. This is an incredibly important skill.

In the language of attachment, this is the ability of reflection. We are able to step back and observe our emotional reactions without being consumed or controlled by them. You are then able to talk about what you are feeling with some degree of objectivity. Reflection also includes our thoughts and physical sensations. It is self awareness of our internal life and without it we are unable to understand ourselves and consequently unable to empathize and emotionally connect with someone else.

Most of us have some capacity for reflection or self awareness. It is developed in the flow of our primary family relationships and it is directly related to our degree of emotional security. Children of chaotic, abusive, or emotionally neglectful families have very little capacity for identifying and communicating their emotional states. In emotionally charged moments they are likely to be caught up in a sea of swirling and sometimes violent emotions which carries them along in a fearful rush. They are emotionally hijacked and the thinking, self observing part of their brain, the prefrontal cortex, is disengaged. The only thing that is communicated is raw, negative feeling. And it likely overwhelms whoever is on the receiving end.

For the majority of us who are able to manage our emotional reactions and actions in the heat of the battle, we still experience them, along with negative thoughts and physical reactions to the battle. And we need to do something with them. If as children we were able to go to our parent and receive comfort, support and understanding then we likely are able to seek someone out and do the same thing.

It is very important that we realize how much we need each other to do this. Too often we stuff what we are experiencing inside. As you’re paying attention to the emotional background of your words and actions and you become aware of your thoughts and feelings, let the other person in on your experience. It is amazing how this simple act of sharing our insides opens the door to healing and deeper intimacy.

I have recently become aware of the connection for me between feeling bored and over eating. This might be obvious to many of you but it was a revelation to me. I never really realized how often I felt bored and that I really did not know what to do with the feeling. I had no self awareness or capacity for reflection regarding feeling bored. And I dealt with the emotional agitation this caused by eating. I am learning to pay more attention to when I am feeling bored and what is boring me. I am talking about this with my wife and other people I trust. And I am consuming fewer calories, and letting my wife get to know more of me.

 

Dark Knight Dialogues

In the book, Hold Me Tight, one that I highly recommend for couples that are struggling with maintaining a loving relationship, Sue Johnson, the founder of EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) describes couples’ “Demon Dialogues”. They are Find the Bad Guy or the blame game where couples place fault for problems on each other rather than owning their respective responsibility. The second one she names Protest Polka or pursue-withdraw where one partner is feeling an unsafe disconnection from their mate and is noisily pursuing reassurance while the other feels just as unsafe but is pulling away. The final demon dialogue is the most debilitating and the one that couples are most often stuck in when seeking marriage counseling. It is Freeze and Flee or withdraw-withdraw where both partners have put their emotions in a self protective deep freeze. John Gottman, an eminent marital researcher refers to this as “stonewalling”, where the other partner is emotionally “walled out”.

Almost all couples experience episodes of demon dialogues. Ever since Adam blamed God and Eve for his eating of the apple, deflecting personal responsibility and blaming someone else is a reliable ploy. Protesting, even angrily, is a normal response to feeling disconnected from the one you love. We need emotional security and it comes in the form of our intimate other. The “protest” in Protest Polka is also referred to as “anger of hope” because we hope someone will hear us and respond. When we are hurt and feel misunderstood it is not unusual to pull away and lick our wounds. It becomes critical when we stay emotionally closed and sealed believing our partner is like an enemy. Most couples are able to recognize what is going on and pull back from totally disconnecting, especially when it begins to threaten the marital bond. If the Freeze and Flee pattern continues, divorce is usually not far away.

How safe and responsive is your mate or loved one? Maybe you do not even think about your relationship is these terms but you should. When we make ourselves vulnerable to someone in the name of love we expose our being or heart to the pain of rejection. Every one of us asks the fundamental human question “Am I loved”. The answer determines much of the course of our life, especially our relationships.

There are two basic responses to threats to our emotional vulnerable selves. One is to avoid emotional engagement; the other is to anxiously demand safe attachment. We have either made a decision to stay away from emotional connection or we are critically demanding it. These “Demon Dialogues” are born out of threats to our emotional well being and once that threat is communicated, we need to drop the demon in dialogue. And it is amazing what happens when we learn to recognize our “demons” and let them go. Which demon are you most likely to participate in?

We all long for connection and safe place where love is real. Do you believe that? If you are asking the basic question “Am I loved?” don’t you think your partner is too? We all need the same thing when it comes to relationships and the power of believing that and acting as if it is true is amazing. A friend of mine that has great wisdom once said to someone who was complaining about how unwilling people in her life were to be vulnerable and close, that if she became safe for others they will be safe with her. How true this is.

Bones, Spock, and Captain Kirk

Any one of us knows the joy and pain of relationships. Of course this statement fits only if we are emotionally engaged with them. It is the “stuff” that makes relationships dynamic and vibrant. It is also the stuff that makes them painful and difficult.

What does it mean to be emotionally engaged and how do you tell if you are? Why is it so important that we be emotionally engaged or attached to our children or our spouse or our friends? What is the big deal about emotions anyway? Well, it turns out that emotion is central to how our brain works, especially with memory. In fact, everything we experience in life is being assessed by our amygdala, the so called center of the emotional brain, and it processes information before we even know it. Do you remember the last time you became emotional? Think about a recent emotional experience like becoming angry or sad. You were “into” the emotion before you had time to think. The emotion is just there, it is not something you make happen like when you figure something out with your “thinking brain” and put the plan into action.

Some individuals find it very difficult or even “alien” to experience intense emotions or they are very restricted in their emotional expression. It might be that the only emotion they experience is anger or fear. It is like their emotional brain is not as active or sensitive to emotional experience. If you have ever seen Star Trek episodes then you know of Spock and how “human emotions” are alien to him and his decisions are made solely by logic. Or, if you know someone who has experienced a stroke their emotional expression is different. For some stroke victims there is no emotion associated with anything. They are extremely flat and unresponsive and very difficult to connect with. We need emotional expression to connect with one another.

Another character in Star Trek is the contrast to Spock; it is Bones, the passionate and emotional physician who is constantly frustrated with Spock’s cold logic. Bones is emotional about practically everything especially when it involves relationships. He is always accusing Spock of not “caring” because he believes Spock’s decisions and actions are unaffected by what happens to others. And of course Bones’ actions are almost always effected by how it affects others and he places a premium in his decision making on what it will mean to someone else. Sometimes this clouds his judgment.

And then there is Captain Kirk. He is the balance point to both Spock and Bones. Where they are metaphorical extremes, he is the metaphorical center point, making decisions considerate of both emotion and logic. Captain Kirk is the model of how our brain is supposed to work. He is passionate and emotionally engaged with his crew and friends but able to make the “tough” decisions when necessary. He is able to engage both his “emotional brain” and his “thinking brain”. One does not dominate the other and his decisions are better, more likely to be the right one because he is using his whole brain to make the call.

Which character do you identify with? Consider your important, significant relationships and assess if you are more of a Spock or a Bones. Maybe Captain Kirk describes you. More likely, we find that we can be all three depending on the circumstance. Try and observe in what situations you are more likely to be emotionally engaged and calmly considering options like Captain Kirk. What circumstance brings out the “Bones” in you where emotional expression dominates? When are you primarily considering the facts regardless of its affect on others?

Work on becoming more aware of what circumstances and contexts bring out which Star Trek character. It is in those circumstances where a Bones or Spock dominates that we have growing to do. When Captain Kirk shows up, we have learned that we can both emotionally connect and thoughtfully consider options to make sound judgments.

Compassion and Betrayal

We all know that those closest to us are the ones that can hurt us. The members of our family or our spouse are those with whom we are most vulnerable and therefore most exposed to being disappointed. When we are vulnerable we open ourselves by letting down our guard and allowing those who love us to be close. What our family or loved ones say and do to or about us has an impact on us; they have the power to affect us. Being hurt by a loved one is like a dog lying on its back, wagging its tail anticipating its belly being rubbed or scratched and instead it gets picked up by its paws and thrown across the room. The dog was calmly and restfully expecting love and affection and instead is assaulted. Sometimes we treat the ones we love just like that. We cause one another to suffer.

One of the definitions of betrayal is to cause suffering. Betraying someone is to turn someone over to suffering. Contrast that with the definition of compassion. It means to suffer with someone. If we cause someone we love to suffer by how we treat them then we are betraying them. If we enter into someone’s suffering then we are being compassionate with them. In families, marriages and other intimate relationships we often find ourselves betraying in one context and offering compassion in another. Our betrayer can also become our source of compassion and vice-versa. This is a characteristic that make relationships so difficult and confusing. It will take some effort of reassurance before the dog you threw across the room will let you scratch his belly again. The only way to do this is to offer compassion, to enter into and own the suffering you caused.

I have often thought about Judas and why he hung himself. He betrayed Jesus turning him over to suffering. The great paradox is that Judas’ betrayal brings salvation to those who believe in Jesus. Jesus’ death on the cross is God’s awesome demonstration of compassion. According to the Bible, he suffered with and for us in order that we might be set free from sin. Our betrayal of Jesus is not too different from Judas’ betrayal. We too have turned Him over to suffering because of our sin. But when we receive salvation from the Cross we participate in the compassion of Jesus. We believe that He loves us no matter what we have done. Judas’ suicide is a commentary on what happens when we believe compassion is not available for us. If we believe like Judas that we must bear our suffering alone there is no place for suffering to go and it destroys us.

In our intimate relationships we need to understand this relationship between betrayal and compassion. We need to be able to enter into one another’s suffering even if we are the cause of that suffering. Being compassionate with one another, being willing to suffer with each other opens up the door to freedom from suffering. Otherwise it will destroy the relationship; just ask the dog.

Kids Without Shame

There were a couple of new events recently that caught anyone’s attention who saw them. One was the brutal beating of a young girl shown on You Tube by her so called friends and the other was a report on out of control behavior by students on spring break. According to the Florida story on www.momlogic.com spring break is not what it used to be. The extent and degree of drinking, drug use, and sexual promiscuity is significantly increased from twenty, fifteen and even ten years ago. If any of you went on spring break during those years then you can imagine how severely dysfunctional and self destructive the behavior must be for it to be considered distressingly worse. No wonder parents worry about their kids.

The O’Reilly Factor reported on this story and had a “Family Therapist” on to discuss and analyze the issue. Like the “animalistic beating” of the teenage girl by a gang of “girlfriends” these students were displaying and strutting their stuff for a camera and the video finds its way to the internet. After a shallow and silly comment by the family therapist that the problem is due to extended adolescence without adult responsibility O’Reilly redirects that a significant factor to this display of extreme behavior is a lack of shame. That is, they do not care who sees them. That is the point of shame; not wanting to be seen. If you have a sense of shame, you want to keep your shameful behavior in the dark so no one knows what you did. If you lack shame you put it on display and shove it into peoples’ faces.

Lack of shame is a calloused and hardened place to be. Most likely, many of the kids on spring break will wake up horrified by what they did and said for all to see once they are not under the influence of substances. The beating of the young girl is another story. There is no report that they were “under the influence” of anything other than brutal rage. All of this raises significant questions for our culture.

The two commentators rightly conclude that a lack of parenting plays a significant role in lack of shame. That begs the question how parenting affects the development of shame. A lack of shame reflects an absence of value, meaning and purpose. Kids without shame are those kids that have figured out whether consciously or not that they are on their own. Their lives feel purposeless, meaningless and valueless because they believe deeply in their being that what they do doesn’t matter to anyone. So what does it matter how they act or who sees it?

The most effective parents are those who have a meaningful relationship with their child. Their child knows, despite all the struggles, battles, arguments, and drama that their parents love them more than they love themselves. These are not “helicopter parents” hovering endlessly over their kids directing and protecting them. These are parents who genuinely love being with their kids and invest their lives in giving them life. Their kids know their life has value, meaning, and purpose because what is more important than anything else, more important than what they do or how successful they are or what kind of trouble they cause, is having a relationship with their child. “You are my son or my daughter and I love having you as a part of my life.”